Not Quite The Announcement I Wanted To Make…
I am finding it really hard to begin typing this blog post, as this post really isn’t going to take shape on how I ever dreamed it would.
You see this blog post should be joyous, happy and bright.
Instead its not, its bleak, sad and grey.
In a couple of weeks I should be telling you all I am pregnant, wanting to share my pregnancy and bringing our third child into the world. A third child we have been longing for for nearly 2 years.
Instead I am sat here telling you all I have miscarried, I am heartbroken.
I am empty, physically and emotionally.
I sit for hours in silence, not knowing what to do whilst my whole body just aches, whilst my head is completely clouded and I am unable to think.
When I can cry I sob, the tears come thick and fast and I then spend hours feeling drained before the next wave of sobs arrive.
I can barely eat, I have no appetite and when I do manage some food I feel worse because I have forced myself to eat when I didn’t want food.
I cant sleep, because I don’t want to wake up and relive in my head whats happened.
This isn’t my first miscarriage, I lost my daughter at 16 weeks at the end of 2010. I have experience this loss before, but it doesn’t get easier living it. I now live with the knowledge I have now lost 2 children and not 1, it hurts.
In a couple of weeks I was looking forward to publishing a couple of new blog posts announcing my pregnancy, from weeks 5 upwards, about my feelings, excitement and sickness (because I actually miss that now!). Instead these blog posts are now going to sit in my drafts, untouched, unpublished and I know I wont be able to face reading or deleting them for some time to come.
Right now I am unsure what to do, I know I need time to grieve, to recover but I know I don’t grieve well.
I know I won’t be around on my blog for a while, my head really isn’t working well enough to be able to type, the fog in my head isn’t allowing me to express what I need to say.
I hope to be back soon, perhaps once the school holidays are over. I need to focus on my family for a while.